JESUS OF NAZARETH

 

JESUS OF NAZARETH

Simona Frillsom couldn’t be more excited. After graduating with a degree in cardigans from Central Saint Martins she had been hired by the top design team at Fitly, a rising star in the exalted world of fashion design houses, and tonight was her first show in Paris. Simona was taking charge in the dressing room, ensuring that all the models were comfy in their outfits, making last-minute adjustments and tucking in some stray body parts.

As the first model took to the catwalk there were audible gasps from the audience and photographers alike. One elderly lady in the front row fainted. “Wow” thought Simona “I’m really making an impact here - I’d better make sure my CV is up to date as I’m sure to be on the poaching list for all the other designers”.

But as model after model took to the stage, the impact of her designs began to dawn on Simona as she watched the assembled rich and famous get up and leave one by one, until by the final piece there were only a handful of buyers from Primark left in their chairs.

Devastated at her failure Simona turned to her mentor Jorge to try and determine what had just happened.

“What have I done wrong Jorge? Why did my designs go down so badly?”

“Well” said Jorge “what was your thinking process behind the outfits?”

Simona explained: “I enjoyed my time immensely as a child and was a frequent winner of beauty pageants. Obvs - I mean, look at me? Anyway, so I wanted to emulate that idea of a big shiny winner’s ribbon worn diagonally across the body. Of course, I needed to make it a lot wider to spare the models’ blushes. Unfortunately my choice of material was a coarse-knitted rope twine which would have made the models unbearably hot under the lights, ruining the look with their sweaty brows. So before they dressed, I put their outfits into a fridge for an hour at -10 degrees in order to chill them right down.”

“So” replied Jorge “you have dressed each model in …” 

_  /  _  _  _  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  _   (1, 6, 4, 4)

“Yes that’s right” said Simona. “Was that wrong?”

“Oh my dear girl” replied Jorge “your ideas were magnificent, contrasting the beauty pageant stage ‘look’ with Paris’ much hautier visions. Don’t interrupt me, of course hautier is a word. Ahem. The idea of refrigerating the outfits first was also first-class and showed your ability to handle unforeseen situations very well, and you clearly deserve credit for that. But where you did go wrong was your choice of material for the outfits. Maybe you were too busy studying to know that it was all anyone was talking about at the shows last year - unfortunately clothes made from this material ended up causing a gigantic scandal with hugely influential customers being forced to endure excessive chafing as the coarseness of the material abraded their flesh."

"It is a shame, but nobody likes or uses that material any more” he continued “nobody at all. Not one person admires it as clothing and none will buy it or wear it either. I’m sorry Simona, but….”

_  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  _  (4, 3, 4, 4)

Answer1: > a frozen jute sash <

Answer2: > jute has zero fans <