CHRISTINA AGUILERA

 

Hans Werner died recently, aged 89.  Born in Salzburg, he was raised by his grandparents in the mountains west of Innsbruck following the unfortunate death of both of his parents in one of the earliest ski-lift incidents in the region, when the chair they were riding couldn’t support their combined weight after an apres-ski feast of 30 Wiener Schnitzels each the night before.  Ironically, they were only able to afford the last day of their skiing break after demolishing the food in under thirty minutes to win the coveted crown of Schnitzel-Eaters of the year, along with 500 Schillings in prize money.

Hans grew up in the mountains, herding goats.  He developed a very keen eye for how his creatures moved, leaping from rock to rock as they did whilst balancing on almost vertical slopes.  Hans began to mimic the creatures, first with small jumps and easy ascents, but with increasing confidence it wasn’t long until he was able to scramble up and down mountains in no time at all, unaided.

It was this skill with traversing mountainous terrain that first brought him to the attention of the national Olympic committee of his country when they were putting together their team for entry into the then-niche Olympic event of Rock Hopping.  Hans could leap around like nobody’s business, with a seemingly boundless ability to spring, jump, and hop over any obstacle at incredible pace, eventually leading his team-mates to a well-deserved Rock Hopping gold medal in the 1952 Winter Olympics.

Following the death of Hans’ favourite farm animal, Wilhelm Goat Gruff, and a suitable month of mourning (he really loved that animal) Hans retired from Rock Hopping altogether and used his leaping knowledge to develop his own brand of sports clothing and equipment called “Unforgoatable”.  As well as being a tribute to Wilhelm, the brand name seemed to stick in people’s minds for some reason, and within a few short years he was propelled to immense levels of wealth.

Hans retired at 35, having amassed billions.  He went to live out the rest of his days, returning to Innsbruck to start a goat sanctuary, where he could be seen regularly bouncing and leapfrogging around the hills like a true mountain goat.  He never married, though he did leave several hundred kids. 

Hans Werner. 1931 – 2020. 

He truly was an  _  _  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  _  /  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  _  (5, 4, 8)

Answer > Agile rich Austrian  <